So while I may still feel flat and stuck and overwhelmed and sad about what has happened and what life has given me, which makes looking forward and dealing with things in the here and now rather difficult, I will start tackling real problems with real solutions.
My son has a drug problem. End of story for the moment. I do not know why it happened or how it happened but I know I did not make that choice for him to seek comfort from drugs. I did not neglect him or mistreat him in any way. I was a good mother and still am and I am not to blame. I am not responsible for the affect other people in my son's life had on his emotional well being, I tried to compensate with my love but that is not always enough. I am still here for him now and always will be. I support him as much as I can and he is still a very important part of my life though he has not lived at home for over 3 months and he is not really a part of his sisters lives. My solution is to continue to support him, offer him practical help and encourage him to seek treatment. At the end of the day he must find his own solutions on how he will move forward and if and when he wants treatment or change.
Not much has changed inside our home in the last three months mostly because of my feelings of being stuck and also financial restraints. Emotionally I have struggled the most in regard to my son's room. Not only was it left in a HUGE mess and very chaotic, but it was full of memories (good and bad). I felt a sense of disrespect to my son if I was the one who sorted out his things, and I felt an even bigger sense of betrayal if I would change his room from his room into anything but his room. I can feel his anger and disapproval and rejection. Yet I know very well that it is my house, I make the decisions and I do not need to discuss my plans for a room in my house with him. Therefore I have finally made plans to redecorate it into a spare room, and if the time would ever come, my son would be more than welcome to stay in it. We will move our second T.V. from the playroom into there and store a lot of our books there, freeing up space in other rooms. It will be a space that anyone in the family can use as well as always being there for guests. I have chosen the sofa bed, and the décor. I have discussed removing the old furniture and Thursday it will be taken to the dump. So now I am packing and organising things and feeling more positive about this solution and that I have finally made the decision to do what I want and most importantly, to remove triggers of the unpleasant years without removing the memories.
Broken doors and holes in the walls are also triggers, as well as left over equipment and paraphernalia...all reminds us what life was like, who seemed to be in charge and all the things we didn't like about my son as an addict. Even the garden if full of reminders as well as evidence that once a much loved part of my life had been neglected for years due to the lack of interest and motivation to keep things looking nice when our lives seemed to be crumbling from within.
Solutions: replace broken doors, hire someone to start making some headway with the garden, create spare room, pack away all reminders and dispose of anything I feel is unacceptable to keep. Already, I have cleared away all the equipment my son had in the utility room and threw away a lot of the mess that was left behind. All the spaces of our house that was significant in my son's life with drugs has been severely neglected. I have now created a clean, fresh and open spaced utility room, with house plants and flowers replacing the beakers and vices and tubes. A friend who is a professional gardener has agreed to do some work for me and she has already started and it makes such a difference in creating a positive energy and motivation. My Family Solution worker is coming Thursday to help me clear away some of my son's furniture and we will go to the dump together. So not only have some solutions been decided on, work to see those solutions come to fruition as already begun! And do you know what? It feels good!
I may not be financial secure and I may be alone as far as being a single mother with absolutely no family near me which has created a HUGE sense of responsibility falling ALL on me, but that doesn't mean that solutions can't be found and REALISED! I will bite the bullet and do what needs to be done even if it scares me, makes me uncomfortable and intimidates me. I will do it because in so doing I will empower myself and I will feel more confidant and secure in myself. I will start reclaiming control and making life more as I would like it to be despite all the things in my life I dislike.
It is spring, new beginnings, rebirth and hope for the future. I embrace spring and all that it represents. I will actively change my focus and though remaining loyal to my son and wanting nothing more than his recovery, I will not let that overshadow everything else. I will try now to create a balance and no longer feel guilty that while my son is suffering my daughters and I can still create a happy life. Maybe if my daughters and I move on and create a life worth living my son will follow and do the same!
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