Fear

Sometimes you find yourself in testing times. The thing is I have been finding myself in testing times for a good number of years, but recently I am feeling the intensity of the pressure more than ever. Any more and I am afraid the walls might come tumbling down around me!



 The situation with our home is unbearable and at times I think almost comical. A multimillion pound bank is taking me court to repossess my home over a sum of £1, 600.00? Seriously? OK, I will do what I can, and I was hoping that what I was doing would be enough for the court hearing to be called called off, but unfortunately what I am doing is not good enough and I will have to face the court on Monday.

Also, if I was not so angry I would laugh at the ludicrousy that my ex husband is not accepting any parental responsibility to ensure his children's safety. What is more, you would expect that legally they would pursue that avenue more,  especially since he earns a very good living as a senior teacher in secondary education. Is that not funny? He is a teacher, and he has no empathy for his own children?! I am not asking for him to "take care of us" but I am saying, I am willing to do my part, and he should do his part, so together we can care for our children.



I also think it is sadly amusing that as a university educated woman, I am unemployed and on state benefits because I wanted to be the best mother I could be and for me that meant staying at home. So after a long period of being that say home mom, when my husband and I separated and our youngest child was only just 3 years old, I continued to stay at home until she was in full time education. When she was, the troubles with our son was in full swing so getting back into the work force was out of the question. So here I am, an intelligent woman who is finding the modern world of employment daunting and also quite difficult to penetrate. Consequently, I am still on benefits.

Is this the life I imagined? Surely not! Is this the life I want for the future? Absolutely not! Can I change it? I hope so and I will try.....one problem at a time.



This is why I feel the pressure is getting unbearable. There are too many serious issues that need my attention, now, right now! There is no waiting for, "one problem at a time".

I am scared. I am scared of court. I am scared we might loose our home. I am scared about seeing my ex husband glare at me and try to belittle me in front of the judge. I am scared that they won't care what I have to say. I am scared that my son is non pulsed by my impending court date, but then I should not expect a rational reaction from him. I am scared that my son has not taken my letter seriously and insists that it is all b.s. and that he is not going to rehab nor is he moving out. I am scared that I have put a time frame in the letter and if I do not stick to my guns, he will never ever take my words seriously. I am scared my son will never want to go into recovery. I am scared that my son and I will never be able to repair our once special relationship. I am scared that he is being abusive to me and I have an abusive and controlling "man" in my life after trying to escape from one. I am scared that my daughters are being subjected to all of these fears, worries, stress and abuse and they may not be able to deal with it. How do they cope? What is there outlet? I am scared things will get worse and not better. I have never been so scared and I don't know what to do about it!



Now I have something more to be scared about.......

While writing all hell broke loose in my house once again .....this time I said inside, "enough is enough"! I am not the "horrible woman" my son says I am and his sisters and I are not f****** c****. You can not be verbally threatening and abusive and throw water on us and what ever else is to hand. I will not let you treat us like this because you are unwell and unhappy!



I phoned the police and he has been taking to the police station to be arrested and I hope that he will have a chance to examine why this happened, what it is like to be arrested, and see that his actions DO have consequences! What will happen next? I do not know. I hope I have not made things worse, but this is one of the problems that needed dealing with...and I did.

"My son, no matter what has happened to cause you pain and suffering, you will not be able to heal yourself if you subject others to pain and suffering. I love you, but I will not allow you to hurt your sisters and disrespect me any more."