Tears

Tonight I do not feel as strong as I did yesterday. I am crying for the first time in a long while. My daughter is disappointed in me because I put up with his vile behaviour.



Seven days have gone by without my son having his regular prescription for Methadone. He has a secret stash of various substances to help him "cope". He has asked me for my "help" but I have said no, explaining I will no longer enable him and he needs to accept the consequences of his own behaviour. Today the "no" got to him, he has had a surprising amount of self control over these last few days. Tonight the horrible swear words and insults and blame were thrown at me, even threats of violence. I threatened to call the police if he continued but he got up spewed out his last bit of abuse and went upstairs.



Earlier today I was reminded while writing what a lovely little boy I once had. My counsellor at the drug and alcohol clinic suggested that I should tell him that I love him because his constant need for my attention, negative or not but still attention, is maybe because he needs to know I still love him. I glared at him when he was speaking to me with such disgust, and worse still it was in front of his younger sisters. I thought I do not love you when you are like this, and it is getting harder and harder to see an opportunity to tell him because the situation is never right.

When he was leaving to go upstairs he punched me in the arm, not too hard mind you but on some level he wants to hurt me, thankfully he can still control that impulse.

My 13 year old daughter looked disgusted and disappointed and said that he will get worse and do I want to wait until he really does something bad? After my son went upstairs, so did she because she said she wanted to be in her room, away from me I guess.



His offensive behaviour lasted 20 minutes and than an hour or so later another outburst for about 15 minutes. Not wild uncontrollable behaviour that I didn't feel it justified calling the police, because by the time they get here everything would be calm there was no property damage this time. However the emotional damage has been made in those few minutes.

Tomorrow, no tonight, I will write to my son about what I expect from him and if he can not comply than I will have him removed by Aug 1st.....I hope I can find the strength to actually do it!