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Sunday, 31 August 2014

Remembering: What the Addict Doesn't Remember, Those Living With the Addict Will Never Forget

It is always so frustrating when having conversations with my son, because he has trouble with his memory. As with anyone who has ever been drunk, or high, or been with someone while intoxicated, knows that there is quite often a substantial memory loss of events that took place while in such a state!

                     

Unfortunately, for us sober recipients of the addicts fallout, we do not tend to forget quite so easily! When I speak to my son, he seems a bit clueless as too why his sister is so angry, or why I find it hard to trust him or why certain situations brings me such distress (because they trigger unpleasant memories, that my son does not share, because he can remember certain incidences as clearly).

Therefore, it is very hard for everyone involved with an addict to move forward at the same pace as each other, especially at the same pace of the addict.

One of the reasons I did not want to go on vacation with my son this year is because I have very bad memories of the last time we did go on vacation together! I remember him shouting and swearing at my aunt and keeping us awake till the early hours of the morning. I remembering how my son had panic attacks and became aggressive and embarrassing each time we went out for a meal. I remember my son ordering his poppy heads and sending them to my aunt's house so he could continue to brew his poppy tea while away. I remember him not being able to wake up in the mornings and keeping all the rest of us on bated breath. I remember horrible and aggressive arguments at the festival, causing strangers to come to my "rescue" and asking me if they wanted to get "this man" away from me. I remember my son being high and drunk and demanding money from me, to the point in which I was so frustrated that I grabbed the drink from him and threw it at him! I remember looking at him after that incident, and my daughter being angry and anxious that "he" was around and spoiling her vacation, and turning around and seeing him with a beer in hand, smile on his face and dancing around, all alone...he looked like a little boy, happy yet sad because he was alone...I remember feeling so sorry for him, yet also so sorry for my daughter who felt her experience of the concert was "ruined" and my complex confusion and pain that how did this all happen, how did we become so messed up????

My son, does not remember our last vacation in the same way. He does not understand the amount of damage he has done.

               

I tried to explain to him the other day. I tried to remind him that his sister is not simply a little mad at him. I reminded him of all the times he shouted abusive words at her and insulted her and degraded her. I reminded him how he would chase us upstairs at night in the heat of an argument. We would try to escape and he would come and bash on her bedroom door, while I was inside her room. trying with all my strength to hold the door closed. I reminded him of all the illegal activity in our house, we all needed to keep secret. I reminded him of so much and I could see he became a little agitated and he swore it was not that bad.

The fact that he can not remember the past as we remember it makes everything more difficult.I also believe he is also slightly emotionally stunted in as much as he became an addict at such an early age, he has not been through "normal" adolescent development and experiences to give him the emotional maturity to understand other's feelings.

My son wants to go back to "normal". He wants his family back. Sadly he thinks that he can accomplish this, not by becoming clean and earning our trust again, but by buying his sister a very special Christmas present! I was so surprised and saddened by his simplistic thought. He has obviously given this some thought and he wants to make amends, yet he has not been able to empathise with what his sister has gone through and can not understand the extent of her pain. Much of this, I feel, is because he was numb and emotionally absent throughout much of the dramas we witnessed while he was using many drugs in our home.

                                

I am at a loss at the moment how to help us all deal, digest and develop ways to move forward to the ultimate goal (for me) of forgiveness and reconnecting as a family!

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Peace, Love & Happiness, Despite Temporary Depression

After writing my last post, I started to think about my readers who do not know me. I may seem depressed, and on some level I am. Funny thing is that I am not a negative or depressive person by nature. I am quite the contrary. Maybe it is not true depression, maybe what I suffer from is just an over sensitive and romantic nature? My longings are always apparent to me, especially since I have not succeeded in creating the life I have desired.

                                 

People say, "be positive and have good energy and that is what you will attract back into your life". I do not necessarily believe that, because I am also quite a loving person who finds so much beauty and goodness in the world. I have a lust for life that shines through. I spend much of my ordinary days smiling and laughing, though at a drop of a hat, if something hits an emotional cord, I will cry.

I suppose I struggle with that belief that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. All that business that you get from life what you put out. Because that is no different than what I have been struggling with, a concept that seems so child like, "good things should happen to good people, and bad people will get what they deserve". That is not what really happens and this is what creates the conflict and thus sadness inside me. This is not the way it works, at all!

                                         

Maybe it comes from the lack of religious beliefs, because those who have faith ultimately find comfort in that the "good" people will go to the promised land, and those who have been "bad" will pay the ultimate penalty when they go in front of their maker. Simplistically put, I know, but I do not want to get  deep into religion here. I am not an atheist, I am spiritual to an extent, and I think there are things we do not fully understand or are aware of. However, I also think that we should be rewarded for our efforts here on earth while we are living our lives, our reward should be to create a good life and to do exactly what people say, "get the good back that we have put out there". My life, the life of my mother, my son and others, do not show me that that is the truth. This causes me great disappointment and confusion, which makes my very sensitive soul cry out.

This is also what hurts me so much about my son's attraction to the drugs he took/takes because a lot of his pain stems from the same sort of ideas. He is hiding from the same conflicts that I struggle to understand and I deliberately analyse: the harsh reality and unfairness of why so much crap happens to people who are trying to live a good and honest life! He could not find any answers, and the more he thought about it the more he blamed himself, but still also blamed others and his pain and lack of understanding was too much for his sensitive and just soul to comprehend, so he needs to numb his thoughts, dull his pain and hide from his own inner conflicts through self medication.

                                       

This is a form of depression of course, but it is not the clinical/organic type of depression that people suffer from even though they have no apparent "reason" to be depressed. It is not the severe depression in which you no longer find any joy in anything. I suppose it is a form of situational depression which has also become a pattern of behaviour. My depression only lasts temporarily while I deal with too many thoughts after certain situations. It is a bit of a roller coaster, but not a manic depressive state. The situation does not have to be significant or profound, but if something triggers within me this need to analyse why life is crap when I have been nothing but good, then yes, I get down and I cry and I over think everything!

I remember bringing up my children when they were very little. I would clap and cheer with delight when they succeeded in anything they tried to do, how ever big or small that was, even if they built a tower of three blocks! I would stop and smell flowers, and we would pick up snails we found on the pavements and we would rescue snails from unseeing feet which may step on them! We went to playgrounds, we fed the animals in the city farms, we painted and read and cooked and baked and cleaned together. Everything was made to be fun and enjoyable. I always praised them. I loved to sing silly made up sons and dance and laugh. I encouraged friendships with other children and made sure I always had a report with teachers. I kissed them and loved them and told them how much they mean to mean.

                                    

Yet, my children are not self confident. My children are not overly happy, well the two older ones, the younger one is still quite a happy spirit. My two older children are also very sensitive and deep thinking. They are also both cynical and they do not share my my belief that the world and most people are generally good.

To a mother who adored her children and believed motherhood was the most special thing to ever happen in my life, I would have thought that those wonderful and pure and positive energies would transcend into my children. Can you imagine my inner conflict and sorrow when I discovered that my son was sad and insecure and started taking tablets he found to make him "feel" better? The defeat I felt when these negative feelings grew along side his drug taking. Not only that, but then after all that and witnessing how strong my love for my children is, how much ALL my children mean to me and showing how I would never give up on them because my love is so strong and I believe love can conquer all....my daughter gets depressed and starts self harming and even starts to think about taking her own life.

All this on my shoulders, while their father, the man who continually insulted and belittled our son from the age of 5 to the age of 12 (when we split up), who was selfish and emotionally absent, insulting, intimidating, verbally aggressive, avoids all responsibility and continues living his life on his terms without any remorse. In our children's eyes, no matter how hurt they were by their father, they have witnessed for themselves that the "bad" one keeps living, he has a good job,  having enough money to travel regularly, to always be in new expensive shoes and clothes and go out with his friends, to continue to drink, to get a girlfriend, live in a nicer neighbourhood than we do and all the while never helps them or gets "bothered". While on the other hand they also see how the "good" one suffers, lives almost on poverty level with bailiffs and bill collectors constantly hassling her, the worry, the stress, the responsibility, the tears,  they are hers as well as the solitude and alienation and loneliness. How is this teaching them that the world is fair and if you  put positive energy out there you get it back and that if you are a negative son of a bitch, you will attract negativity in the world??? How???

                                     

My son is convinced that everyone is a piece of shit in this world and that everyone is out for themselves and no one would genuinely wants to help or sacrifice for another, especially for him. I have faith that this is all a fa├žade and that deep inside he believes the opposite, however it is still too painful to think anything other than negative thoughts towards humanity, because this way he can not be disappointed again, he can not be hurt and let down, they way his father did.

Drugs help him hide. I can not hide, so I get down and struggle to deal with my complex emotions. However, I do not bury my faith in humanity as deeply as my son. While I may complain and bitch about the shit and the shitty people in my life, I still believe people to be good by nature, but society and relationships sometimes screw us up so much that we forget how to be ourselves and how to be kind. Most of my friends, or so called friends, do not intentionally hurt me, they are more than likely oblivious to it. Who am I to tell them that they are falling short sometimes? If someone really does something wrong or unforgivable or completely disrespectful, I will tell them or completely shut them out. I care for the people in my life, all on different levels. Some I do not care for that much on a strictly personal or spiritual/emotional level, but as a human being I do care what happens to them and wish them nothing but the best. Some people, do hurt me, that is usually because I feel love for them more than they love me and I am still searching for someone to really love me, to notice when I am not around, to miss me, to fight for me, to bend over backwards to make make me smile when I am down. Those people in my life who fall short of that, despite my love for them, well I may get hurt and sad and disappointed, but at the end of the day it does not make them a bad person. I will never give up on people!

                         "....our  unhappiness and our strangeness, our anxieties
                          and compulsions, those least fashionable aspects of our
                          personalities, are quite often what lead us to do rather interesting 
                         things."  Ron Ronson, The Psychopath Test


Sometimes I envy those who put all their faith into their God, and are comforted in the knowledge that everyone will have to answer for their behaviour when they stand before God; however, I do not have that belief and I do not want to offend anyone with my honesty, I do though have faith in humanity even though my faith in humanity is tested repeatedly. I also believe in the power of love and I have not given up on my son nor my daughter and I have to believe that my love will one day succeed in making them believe in themselves. I believe that love is powerful and I do love a few people and even if I do not get the love I feel I deserve  returned to me, I have to keep believing and hoping that one day, someone will be free enough to love me.

So though I am displeased with life as we live it at the moment and though I may have seemed severely depressed in my last post, I wanted to amend my last post by clarifying that it is a temporary state of mind and it is situational. I still believe in life, love and beauty! Peace to you all and thank you!


                                 
                                         

Back Home Blues

Well my last post was all about the depressive thoughts I was having before I took my daughters away for 2 weeks, this is now about my depressive feelings upon returning. Seems it is hard for me to escape from my inner sadness.

                   

Our vacation had it's ups and downs, to be sure. Travelling as a single parent with my daughters, 14 years old and  9 years old, on my own and staying with my 84 year old aunt who speaks no English, obviously has it's challenges! Not to mention that I was also restricted by finances and trying to please everyone! Even though there were definite difficulties, all in all it was great not to have bothersome phone calls, "urgent" bills in the post, no household chores, dramas with my son etc. Also the sun was shining, most of the time, the temperatures were higher, we went to a great music festival and ate great food!

Even while away though, I did have a few wobblies in which I succumbed to upset feelings and even tears. My son and I had a phone conversation that upset me and as is the norm more or less these days, I ended up hanging up on him. The reason why is that he started asking for and then demanding that I bring him back a special bottle of Absinthe, a bottle of Spirytus Polish spirit, some special clove cigarettes, and a few other things. He started telling me that I owe him that much, because he is the one who deserves a break and not me! He was starting to talk to me very aggressively and in a condescending manner, insulting me, so I ended the conversation, only to be fuming inside afterwards.


                            

My "friends"  also made me have my moments. One friend I gave keys to looked after our poor little kitty cat Shadow, she was great. Another "friend" I gave keys, I asked to water my plants, also thinking that the more traffic my house has, the better. When I needed to her to help me out, she neglected to answer my txt for 2-3 days. The reason I had contacted her is because my other friend noticed that my electricity was cut off, but she was on her way to work and very busy on that day as well as the next. So I asked my other "friend" to go and please put £5 on my electricity meter because the fridge will defrost and I will be left with a mess to deal with when I get home. Well, she finally responded a few days later, saying she "mislaid" her phone but that my other friend will sort it out anyway! Then when I txted this "friend" reminding her that my other friend was not going to be home the last 2 days of my trip, and so I need her to feed my cat, she eventually txted back that she has decided to spontaneously go away for a camping trip so she can't but she can come over Sunday to feed the cat. Um, hell-lo, I am returning Saturday! No thanks.

Then there was the communication with my special friend. Well, I tell you, we have not seen each other for about 5 weeks, not "been together" for 6 weeks and he has only been around and spent the evening once which was over two months ago, that is not very good.  You know when you keep saying to someone that you are looking forward to spending some time together and asking him to please look at your calendar and let me know when you are free? You know what it feels like when you persistently keep making that comment and asking that question so many times that you have lost track how many times you have asked? Well, do you also know that feeling of hurt and humiliation when that comment and question is constantly ignored and diverted? OK, then you get the picture and you know what I am saying. Finally, on our first day of our vacation, when I get the e-mail in which he says he is actually going away on the same day I return, and still has not mentioned when he will come over....well you guessed it....the tears welled up and I could not take this constant rejection and it's even worse when the rejection is done by totally ignoring the question! Well, again, I thought, "Hell-lo, do you not even read what I am saying, you not only ignore the question, but you also ignore the playful innuendos and the flirtation seems to have stopped". I felt very foolish and had to write back that I will not ask any more....he played the dumb card and acted like he did not understand....when I did not write back for a day or two, he wrote that since he has not heard from from me he will stop writing and talk to me when I get back! Seriously? This is suppose to be a friendship!? A good friendship! A special friendship, with a little added bonus of some occasional physical affection! Well, if a friend, male or female, is acting like they are upset with me, or they appear to be in a bad place emotionally at the moment for whatever reason, I would not say, "I will stop contacting you". On the contrary,  I would continue to write and keep persistently reassuring my friend that I am worried about them, I care for them, I hope they are ok, and that I hope I did not do anything to upset them, and that I am looking forward to seeing them soon.

He did not have time for me before we left because he was not well, he was busy at work and he had a lot of family problems. Understood, but a 15 minute drop in visit before work, or after work en route home to pick up keys and give me a hug and say good bye...is anyone really that busy? Maybe I am a fool? Maybe I am the sucker who always bends over backwards to please and help and be there for my friends and family? I have inconvenienced myself  many times because I said I would help a friend, or be there or whatever for them.  I just don't get it. People keep saying you get back what you put out. It does not seem to be the case for them. I have one or two friends who I know would be there for me, but unfortunately they are very far away. One of the reasons I can write about these friendships so publicly, is that the ones I get disappointed with do not read my blog, well my women friends here do not, that I know.

                         

Yesterday my sister and I were chatting on line and she started talking about her friends and friendships. I asked how often she has contact with her friends. She said that with most there is weekly contact in the way of getting together, and then also txts and/phone calls on top of that. Well, that sure isn't the case for me. Of course there may be times that life gets busy, and she might not see a friend for a few weeks, but that she does have one or two friends out of all of her friends, that do take the time to see each other regularly. I seem to be lacking that type of friendship here at "home". I put home in quotation marks because I do not feel at home here, I have no idea where that magical and mysterious place may be, I have not found it yet!

                          

Which leads me to the deep depression and sadness I felt when I retuned. The journey "home" was very long, a 27 hour bus journey and then once arriving in London, the struggle of going up and down stairs to travel on the underground and then a train. Once we arrived at the very busy London Victoria station, I told my daughters to go in front of me and I will carry both heavy suitcases at once and carry them up or down the stairs as needed. Not one person stopped to help me while I clearly struggled on the stairs! Finally once on the underground I told my daughters to grab a seat. While I was placing our bags in the corner of the carriage I noticed that a very young man, with one suitcase, helped himself to the seat next to my daughter, so I remained standing. Thankfully, there are some nice people as demonstrated by another young man on the carriage. He told this other young man to take his seat so that I can sit with my kids! He not only gave up his seat, but as he also got off the same stop as we did, he offered to help me with my bags, not only off the train, but also up and down the stairs! So this helped me resume my faith in people, but then once we arrived at our final destination, and I went over to the taxi, the young taxi driver did not even get out of his car to open the trunk for the suitcases, yet alone help me! I struggled to put all the bags in the car by myself and fit us all in, while he just sat there, waiting! Argh!

So 28 hoursafter our journey began, we arrived home to our very anxious cat! Sadly, I had no time to sit and say hello for our company deprived cat, because I had to run straight out to buy some electricity for our meter before it started to get dark. I also had to go to the store since everything in the fridge and freezer were spoilt. I also had to get some take out for dinner, for I was in no way going to cook! Also our home was cold so the dinner I had brought home got cold very quickly since I thought I would put the shopping away while my girls ate, and I would sit down and eat when I could finally relax....but by that time the food was cold and so were we. It is August and the temperature inside my home was 15C! I had to put the central heating on. Unbelievable and depressing.

I finally sat down, my kids had eaten, I no longer wanted to, while they watched TV, I stroked Shadow who showered me with love and affection and did some serious purring! I was overwhelmed with a sense of lacking, a feeling of emptiness, a sadness and loneliness. No one was here. No one was waiting for us. No one preparing for our return. No txt messages or phone calls or emails with the obligatory, " Welcome Home! Did you arrive home safely? I will see you soon". Later my friend who looked after Shadow txted me, for that I was grateful. Finally! YAY!

I had emailed my "special friend" several hours earlier and he told me that while he is away this week he will be busy and so he will not be in touch until he gets back! I wrote him initially when I got that message that of course I understand, no worries. That was while we were still travelling though. Once home and feeling empty and alone, I messaged him, sending a photo of me and my youngest, I told him I have a very bad case of the blues now that I am home. I also wrote that I wont bother him any more, but I had to share that with him. Now, you would have thought that a person, no matter how busy or how much they are dealing with, can sit down for a minute, even while on the toilet if necessary, just to write me and say, "oh what a lovely photo. I am sorry you feel so down, it will be OK, I will see you when I get back". I got zilch, nada, zero, nothing. That was 5 days ago! I will stay friends but I will have to emotionally detach myself as a defence mechanism to keep my emotional health from becoming any more strained and assaulted. I will leave it, if he is my friend and if he does have any feelings for me or integrity, he will come to me and be honest and emotionally and physically available, regardless of any complications or difficulties he may have he will make time for me. Right?

                                  

The next day after we returned home I cried and cried all day, off and on. I was so alone. I have had no contact with anyone since I have been back. Another friend celebrated her 40th birthday yet failed to ask me to join her (despite the fact that I had very recently helped her daughter).  No message from her, so I messaged her. No indication when we will see each other. My other friend who did not help me out while away but instead ignored my txts and went camping....has also not contacted me, but has posted how on Sunday she went to Czech Republic for a week. My friend who looked after Shadow is the only one I have txed with and she suggested meeting up Saturday. That will be a week since our return, and it will be the first human contact I will have had, besides the person at the grocery store check out! So I guess I have one friend at least!

And my son??? Well, I was not in the right frame of mind to call him on Saturday, but I did txt him and explain that I am depressed and tired but we returned safely and I will call him the following day. I did, but quite late in the evening, about 10ish. He was obviously drowsy from pills and it makes a conversation difficult. No matter how intoxicated my son is, he never forgets what is most important to him, so he was quick to ask if I had brought him back the spirits he wanted. I explained that I did not, but I did bring him back a couple of Hungarian beers. Then the onslaught of insults started that why the hell would I bring back beers? Why didn't he get what he asked for and why didn't I spend my time searching for these items and spending my money to foster his bad habits by bringing him strong spirits home??? Unbelievable! We had another conversation today, and once again the conversation turned to what did I bring him (not remembering our last conversation) and why did I not look for and buy him the spirits he asked for!? Again the conversation went down that familiar and unpleasant road and resulted in the now all too familiar end with me hanging up on him! Argh, argh, argh!!!!

                                  

I am thankful for the cathartic power that writing this blog gives me. I am even more grateful for the wonderful people who take the time to read it and also sometimes comment. I have some steady followers and I have met some great people here through blogging, I just wish I had some people like you who actually live near me, sometimes we need the physical closeness and the ability to do and go places together!

OK, well this blog is about my son and his drug addiction and how it has affected me and my other children. Sometimes I stray and focus more on my own feelings, but usually the feelings that I am having are from contemplation on what lead to my son's addiction etc. Aslo, I sometimes get off track and just write about me and my own pathetic emotional and relationship issues. So thank you all so much for being there for me!

Friday, 8 August 2014

Pre Travelling Blues

We are venturing off to sunny Budapest the day after tomorrow and I may not be blogging while we are away. We will not only be visiting my aunt there (who is an amazing 84 years old) , but also attending an amazing week long musical festival, which I help promote here in the UK called the Sziget Festival. My children and I love the bands that are going to be playing and we are almost %100 guaranteed good, sunny, hot but not humid weather.We will get away for 11 days.



Am I excited? Sometimes I feel a slight excitement. Happy? No not really. In actual fact at the moment I feel quite sad, tearful and lonely. Again, as many times when I write, my eyes are welling up with tears, but it is not really the sort of post that I should be crying about!

So why am I feeling this way? Well, writing is a great tool for self expression, self discovery, healing and just an overall emotionally cathartic experience. Writing also can reach out to others and make them have "light bulb" moments or feel comfort that they are not alone.




So, as I sit and begin to gather my thoughts to write this blog post, it starts to become clearer why it is I feel so tearful and sad. Well, it comes as no surprise to me, and probably no surprise to those who read my posts regularly, I can sum up three reasons: my son, my feelings of unimportance to others and a fear that the few good years I have left will be spent more or less alone.

As I have written about our last family vacation and how it was two fold, my son being meant to be part of both trips, but after his disgraceful behaviour on trip one,  I did not allow him to come with us on trip two. I had intended him to go on both trips: however, after his opium addiction was unbearable whilst away, I could not bear to have that behaviour repeated even though he was all paid for. This year is an entirely different scenario, I have deliberately kept him out of our plans entirely. It is a sad day when a mother does not want to include one of her children on a family trip. Even sadder when that child wants to go and has no other social outlets. He is angry and resentful, but that is because he is not fully appreciating the reasons for my decision. I will worry about him while we are away, but at the same time I do not want to be harassed by him while away. I am afraid that it will be a very long time until all of us (my 3 children and I) can participate in any activities together as a harmonious unit, and unfortunately my son does not comprehend this because he has not taken ownership yet of how much an affect his behaviours and activities had on his sisters and the family unit.
                           

Now as far as the feeling of unimportance to others, well I spoke before of my need to feel like someone's priority and that is important to me yet is not something I feel exists in my life. I have very little family left and they are all far away. My children of course need me, but being that they are indeed children their priorities are different and rightly so. I have maybe 2 or 3 friends and 1-2 acquaintances in my life and THAT IS IT. The friends all have their families (parents still alive, children, siblings) all near to them and again, as it should be, they are my friends' priority. My parents are both dead and I have no significant other. I am not even saying that I want a "partner" because I do not really see living with someone right now something that would be feasible or something that I even want. Though I would like to have someone who is a very special part of my life who I know is always there for me! Yep, that is the clincher, because as I wrote "always there for me" the tears welled up again. I thought I may have had a friend who was turning into that special part of my life, but something is different now, (though I may be paranoid and reading between the lines entirely wrong, only time will tell). So the reason why this is on my mind in relation to going away is because there is no one taking us to the airport (though my  friend has ordered a taxi and paid for it, because he has family commitments and can't take us, I am HUGELY grateful for this gesture of kindness, it helps us so very much, but I would have just liked to have given him a hug and a kiss to thank him and say goodbye even if at home and not at the airport but he never had the time). There is going to be no one waiting for us, in fact no one has asked when or how we are coming home. Am I the only one who understands why this makes me want to cry, even though I should be excited that we are actually getting away, especially since all odds were against us going away?! Why do people have such an easy time of letting me slip away?

                               

This of course leads to the third reason, not wanting to spend the last years of being youthful and being lustful for life and happiness alone (despite my age and looking and feeling younger, there will become a time when I do start to look and feel old). At the moment I want someone who loves me and is there for me when I call them, but not necessarily living together, in fact I would be quite happy just seeing a person once a week and having some other contact during the week (txt messages, phone calls etc). I am not in a place right now where I would want to be spending too much time with a person, so if they are busy then great, but it is the understanding and the knowledge that we are the most important things to each other (other than my/his children of course, but even then I feel there are certain situations in which having children does not mean you must sacrifice your own happiness). But alas I do not have such a relationship with someone at the moment and that ties in with the entire "will anyone miss me while I am away?" type of irrational thought processes!!!

I will be on an air plane in 48 hours going to sunny Budapest to hear awesome bands like Queens of The Stone Age, Placebo, The Kooks, Bastille, Band of Skulls, Tom Odell, Blink 182, Miles Kane and so many more!!!! The atmosphere will be great, the food tasty, the drinks cold and the music fantastic. There will be visual arts, hands on activities, a Ferris Wheel, a beach and so much more. I feel horrible to admit it that I wish I had an adult companion with me and not just my kids, well 2 of my 3 kids with me. I am proud that I am a "cool mom" who takes her children to festivals, and travels with them and they have had many great experiences already; however, I want someone to hug, to kiss, to drink with, to dance with and laugh at inappropriate things with. And hey, a holiday romance is out of the question with kids by my side! How horrible of me as a mom to admit that going away as a single mom leaves me feeling somewhat lonely, only sometimes though, not all the time. There are times when I think it is great because I am doing it my way and there are no stupid arguments between the 2 adults.

Loneliness and the feeling that I have somehow let my children down because they do not have other adults around them, nobody else in their lives that loves them, I chose badly and that is not my fault but it has had its consequences for sure. Now though, when I realise that I have been living as a single mom for seven and a half years and in all that time they have witnessed their mother going from being treated badly by one man, to not having anyone in all those years who thinks highly of their mom and loves her. My son, though I think he was completely out of order to say so, has said to me before that why haven't I had any men in my life after his dad and I split. He is right to a certain extent and not only would it have helped me but it would have been wonderful for my children to see what it is actually like when a man and woman love each. If only they could have seen some positive role models growing up in regards to relationships and communication and love. I shudder to think how screwed up they will be when it comes to their own relationships.

                           

My middle daughter must be wondering about why men don't love me (we are not talking about her father now). When we were in France 2 years ago the man I went to visit and I planned a night when I could come over with the girls and cook dinner and spend the night together. A few nights we tentatively planned but he managed to get out of it. We finally succeeded with our plans and had a great night. We were suppose to see each other again before I left France, but it never transpired and my daughters saw me heartbroken and crying as we left France. Two years down the line and here is another man, and in a weird way I see similarities between the two,  I asked him to come over for a home cooked dinner and my youngest kept asking me when is he going to come because we kept asking. Finally he made it and we had an absolutely wonderful time, we had good conversation, laughs, played the Wii with the kids and then had amazing sex for  about 5 hours after the kids went to bed! No awkwardness or nothing in the morning, and he was very sweet and thanked me profusely for such a great night. Before that night he was also popping around quite a bit to help out with some jobs around the house. Since then, though I have seen him a few times while the girls have been in school and communication is  frequent.  Since then we have not had him over for an evening (though I have asked) and I wonder what my middle daughter makes of it. Only two men in her mother's life since the split with her father, and after one night nothing! I worry what kind of a message this has sent to my daughter who is nearly 15 now and learning to be a woman.

So what a weird place my head is in, when I should be excited and full of enthusiasm, right? My left brain and right brain have been having many discussions between them lately! I have come to the conclusion that no matter how well my left brain understands the rational reasons behind people's behaviour, my right brain will always win out because I am very emotionally driven and my romantic heart and soul  put together with my right brain....well, my left brain doesn't stand a chance!

                            

If I do not write  while I am away, I will try to write another post soon after my return home. I hope that my cat Shadow will survive his loneliness without us. I hope that my son will not completely alienate me or use more drugs to mask his sadness that he has been excluded from his family's vacation. I hope that my daughters and I manage to have a good time and we will not be completely bankrupt when we return to an empty fridge (another thing that always makes me sad is returning and having no one in your life that thought about buying a little food and drink to greet us upon our return) and a pile of unpaid bills! I also hope that whoever is out there reading this that their day is one in which their loved ones are safe and you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your struggles in life. Most of all I hope that all of us can find a little love and happiness in our path to recovery, healing and brighter tomorrows!

                             






Wednesday, 6 August 2014

I Love You Too,

Well this post will not be my usual style. It will be shorter first of all, and it wont really be contemplative.

I wanted to share with you all the lovely txt messages from my son today.

To set up the scenario, I am broke! I gave my son some money which I did out of guilt and excessive annoyance from him. I knew the money would go on drink. He promised me that on Wednesday he would give me £10.

Her we are, it is Wednesday. I txted him, no response. I called him and he began to explain that he may be able to meet me and give me the £10 after he does what he needs to do and if there is enough money left. I told him I gave him that money out of duress even though I knew I was not in a position to and now my youngest daughter, his little sister, is hungry and I have nothing.

I eventually had to hang up on him, because I can not take his disrespect! He was saying things like, "If you keep talking in that tone than I wont want to give you the money", "I need to do some business first then I will be able to see you and I don't want to give you money but I will". This is what followed:

                      

TXT 1:

"I was going to say that if I can't get on the computer at the library to order my benzos, then I wont be able to start saving money. I'll go into town later, do my business, then give the £10 to you."

I told him not to bother.

TXT 2:

"I didn't say I didn't want to give you money, I said I don't like giving money to someone who is being derogatory towards me; I am perfectly happy giving, if I can, and the person is polite. Because you're my mum and helped me a couple of days ago, and in the past, I have to, and I will, today, pay you back; I just don't like doing it when you're being like you're being. May I remind you how you ruined my life and killed everything I loved? Most people would disown you."

I did not respond.

TXT 3:

"It is your fault I got arrested. Your fault I am on probation. Your fault I'm living somewhere where I don't want to live. Your fault I have to pay the court. Your fault all my things were destroyed. Your fault I can never do chemistry again without arrest and prison almost a certainty. Your fault I have to drink to get by even though I hate the stuff. Your fault I can't even be in my own home. You ruined everything because you did not listen to me. I should hate you, I suppose I do in a way, for what you did; everyone I've told the lot to, say they'd never talk to you again. You're the lucky one, and should be grateful that I haven't washed my hands of you and never talked to you again. In my opinion you have far more obligation now, because of what happened; it will tarnish my reputation etc for the rest of my life, all because you couldn't wait 2 months (my son always said he would get rid of the chemicals etc but I got tired of the empty promises)! I may have been nasty, but I never did anything like that."

I did not respond.

TXT 4:

"I don't have to give you a penny if I don't want to! What you did to me is worth far more than the few thousand I stole and 'borrowed'.  What you did is forever!"

Again I did not bother to answer.

TXT 5:

"Oh, and what do I get? £35 a week. How much do you get again...?! You have enough. I struggle buying the cheapest things, picking coins from the street and pulling food and drink out of the bins so I don't go hungry/thirsty. I'd like to see you do the same; then sleeping on a park bench in the rain, still not having a penny in your pocket! It's a wonderful life you've made for me! And you wouldn't be able to handle one night of it!
Thanks-Love you too!"

I have not responded to that one either.

So this leaves me with of course the initial reactions of anger and of intense emotional pain and hurt. However, now I see how much he is transferring onto me, because the reality and all the guilt he can not deal with. I also see some learned behaviour, especially in the last txt, it sounds so much like his father. Most of all though, I can now see beyond my broken heart and say to you, this is what addiction can do to a person. This is not the real son I know and love. This is what my son has become as a result of  his addiction and desire to be in the state of mind he wants to be in while on drugs, that is his one and only guiding force at the moment. The addiction as well as to some extent his current behaviour, stems from deep seated issues of resentment, rejection and possibly guilt. His issues are ones that started as a young boy and he has not been able to grow into a man because of these issues and the detrimental affects the drugs have had on his emotional development.

It is sad, very, very sad. It is also sad that there are so many people who are hurt and misunderstood who suffer. Worst off are the people who helped create these individuals, who fed their insecurities, low self worth and added to their need to self medicate and also made those individuals feel unloved and refuse to help them because of their addictions....these people go unnoticed. The addicts are seen, but made to feel as "bad people". It is all screwed up and I wish I could start a revolution to help change society's way to treat addiction, but more importantly I wish I could teach people that they must ALL accept responsibility for themselves and what they have done, I am trying to, but I am also trying to keep focused and not get caught up in guilty trips that make me feel EVERYTHING is my responsibility and I am to blame for EVERYTHING.

I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING IS NOT MY FAULT. I DID MY BEST AND I DID A LOT OF GOOD.

I must repeat that to myself many, many times today!
     
                                                  
                           





Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Holidays are Stressful

Holidays, what do they bring to mind for you? Fun, adventure, relaxation, indulgence, escapism....unfortunately holidays (vacations) can also be stressful. Sometimes I wonder if all the stress is worth it. Stress in preparing/planning/financing, then the stress of being there and trying to make sure everyone is happy while in a new location; then the stress of coming home to stacked up mail made up of mostly  bills, suitcases full of dirty laundry, an empty pocket book as well as an empty fridge! Dealing with that gloomy feeling and sadness of coming back to reality, then, surprisingly your holiday seems to be in the far away past.

                 

Life with an addict makes holidays even more stressful. The last time I was on a holiday with my son was two years ago. I remember being so stressed before hand and doubting whether or not I should take him with us, but on the other hand I did not trust him enough to leave him at home alone. I knew that his behaviour back then was vile and he was taking a lot of drugs. I also knew that we would stay with my elderly aunt and he may not act in a respectable manner as a visitor in her home. I also knew that there was so much animosity between my children that the holiday will more than likely be filled with arguments.

Two years ago I actually had the opportunity to have two holidays during the 6 weeks summer break. We were going to visit my aunt in Budapest, attend a music festival (Sziget Festival) which we have been to before and love. We were going to then go to the Lake Balaton resort area of Hungary with my aunt, who was funding all of our expenses while in Hungary. After returning home we would have a couple of days to get reorganised and then we would be off to the French Alp (Grenoble) to visit an old flame who I had not seen in nearly 20 years. A few days in the city and then a few days up in Alpes d'Huez.




After much conversation, arguments, promises and deals made, I agreed to allow my son to come on both holidays, so I bought tickets for all 4 of us as well as getting large enough accommodation in France so that my son could have his privacy and the girls and I could have ours.

Of course after everything was booked and it was too late to the change the vacationing number from 4 people to 3, my son started to discuss and prepare and devise a scheme on how he will take drugs with him without getting caught! He took his stash of benzos, and legal highs and home made tinctures as well as ordering his poppy heads to be sent to my aunt's house in Budapest!!!! I realised I had made a big mistake.

The majority of our time spent in Hungary was riddled with arguments, my son being up most of the night, making a fuss about making his "tea" and sleeping most of the day making the rest of us wait for him and then having to wait some more while he prepared and drank his "tea", the excessive shouting and swearing, begging for money so he can buy alcohol and treating my poor old aunt which such disrespect that at the end of the holiday as we said our good byes at the airport, my aunt was barely on speaking terms with my son and she said she did not want to see him again until he is "better". My son was very resentful and thought she was out of order. My son kept having a go at me because he could not understand what we were all so upset about! Unfortunately, there are many, many stories that I could tell that would illustrate the horrendous holiday we had. However, one incident in particular comes to mind though. At the music festival, after a day of music I was going to buy my daughters a snack (they were both hungry) before my youngest daughter was to be picked up by my aunt, so I could longer to stay to enjoy the later evening bands with my older daughter and my son. As we waited in line to buy some food, my son who was VERY intoxicated on opium and alcohol came and started harassing me for money for more drinks. By this time I was already angry with him for his behaviour that day, so I had walked away from him with my daughters because I told him I did not want to have anything to do with him in such a vile state. He was so aggressive from the intoxication, he was so abusive to me that I was not only embarrassed, but also scared. We were indeed creating a scene. To create a scene at a music festival with lots of people and so much going on and so much noise,  is really saying something! I noticed my daughters, the younger one was VERY scared as well as tired and hungry. My older daughter was very angry and hated that my son always had to steal my attention and "ruin" things for her and for us all. The situation got so intense that the people around use started to look very worried and finally some brave woman came over to "protect" me and asked if I wanted someone to get this man away from me. You can imagine the look on her face and other on lookers as I said to her in between gasps of air (because I was crying so much), "He is my son!". She  hugged me and stayed with me until the situation calmed down and my son had moved on.

On the last night of the festival, the closing head-liner was "The Killers", one of my daughter's favourite bands. Despite having told my son again on that night to please leave us alone, he kept coming to me demanding more money for drink! I wanted him to get away because the concert had started and my daughter was getting increasingly perturbed as her brother kept getting "in our face". In the end I ended up grabbing his drink and throwing it on him! I could not believe I did that and I was very distressed. I was angry at him. He left because after having him shout about what I had done, and my daughter was missing her band's performance, I caved in and gave him money to buy himself another drink just to get rid of him! Can you imagine what that feels like for a mother? Especially a mother who has always adored her son? Later I caught a glimpse of my son, who after getting a drink came back to the same area my daughter and I were standing and watching the concert. My son was smiling and dancing around. He looked happy, he looked like he use to, he made me feel so sorry for him! I wanted to cry, in fact my eyes are welling up just visualizing it now as I write these words. I wanted him to be happy and with friends and dancing and enjoying himself as a "normal" teenager. Instead, I saw my son who was off his face on opium and alcohol but lost in the music, no longer angry or abusive, I was no longer anger or hurt, my heart went out to him!




When we arrived back in England I decided that I did not want to go through all of this again while in France. I wanted a wonderful time. I wanted a real holiday, away from the stress and the abuse and worry and sadness. I wanted to have a romantic and fun and enjoyable reunion of the last man I had loved. I stood my ground and broke the news to my son. Yes, I wasted a lot of money, coach fare to Paris, train fare to Grenoble, two separate hotels which were bigger now than needed to be.....and I was not to have foreseen all the money I was to spend while I was away on my son! Luckily I decided to sell my grandmother's thick, beautiful 18 carat necklace for £400 in case I needed more money than I had while in France. We ended up going to Paris together and then parted ways (after way too much nonsense) as he went to a festival and we went on to our destination. His plans went horribly wrong because he was drinking opium all day and evening and lost his way back to his hotel, lost his wallet, lost his passport ect. While I was trying to enjoy Grenoble (which I did very much, but it was not the lovesfest I had hoped it to be) I was constantly being called by my son, I was paying extra night upon extra night at his hotel at 99 Euros per night, I kept sending money into his account via internet banking for food, and topping up his phone for him etc until he managed to get home! Even then I had to send him money because his father was not prepared to take him grocery shopping!

Needless to say, France was not the ideal holiday either. My daughter's and I had no money to eat while in the Alps, my card being declined in French! I had to ask my friends and family to wire ME money! All this because I spent that £400 to help my son. So not only did my romantic dreams not come true, not only did I spend way too much money, but my son seemed to still somehow able to control my life and I did not relax or escape nearly as much as I would have liked to!

So here we are, two years on, some dreadful things have happened in those two years: arguments, police call outs for domestic "violence", me turning in chemicals to a drug's clinic, huge overreaction of what was called "chemical spill",  my son's arrest for drug production and possession, the drug clinic's chaos on national news, the police invading our home and having to be evacuated, our story all over the newspapers several times, police reports, witness statements, court dates, my daughter's self harming as a result of all this, her many appointments and also group "therapy", social services getting involved, children in need meetings, more arguments and emotional/verbal abuse, my daughter's suicidal ideation, concerns for her safety,  Family Solutions involvement, meetings and appointments, telling my son that he needed to move out, my son being homeless, my son in homeless shelters, more problems due to his drugs, my son becoming involved with the "wrong" people now that he was being exposed to people, numerous calls from the emergency room, my son's alcohol withdrawal grand mal seizure, my daughter's intense hatred for her brother, my youngest daughter's confusion whether she should like or dislike her brother, my son's psychotic breakdown and 10 day stay in the mental hospital, numbers problems with his supported housing, money problems for us, loneliness, alienation, debt collectors at my door, no support from their father.....Jesus Christ, this list is quite long, isn't it???? I think a break is well and truly in order for us all;however, given the current situation and difficulties I can only offer a break for me and my daughters!!!



                               


So I bit the bullet and decided, who cares if I can not afford a holiday? When will I ever be able to afford anything? I have no more gold to sell, the last was sold when I had to entertain our German exchange, and then as sad as it sounds, I had to sell some small items, just to be able to entertain a friend at home! I went completely right brain here and booked flights with all my housekeeping money. Guess what? I booked one way tickets because I could not afford return flights and I could have afforded return coach travel but they were all sold out! So I am hoping my aunt will help me and we can buy some coach tickets  for our journey back home! Also, this is how completely desperate I am to get the hell away from here for a while, I booked our flight despite the fact that my passport that has been sent away to be renewed has not been returned yet!!!! Here we are, 4 days before our flight, no passport, no money, no ride to the airport (though my friend has offered to order a taxi and pay for it),,,,ha ha ha...I am crazy! So, talk about pre holiday stress!

I had to break the news to my son because he needs to appear before the judge for a review on August 18 and I wont be here to support him and help him. Well, the onslaught of criticisms I received and the guilt trip he put me on, not to mention that he certainly knows how to push all the right buttons, was incredible. It did not help that I could see on his eyes that he was high on Etizolam, which he admitted to taking, but corrected me that he is not high, but he is relaxed! I was told how irresponsible I am being, how he needs a break much more than I do because he is the victim in all this, all this that I had caused and created because I did not listen! His life is destroyed and mine is so much better, therefore I should be taking him or giving him a holiday. I am selfish! I felt my blood start to boil, my arms shacking, my head pounding and my heart racing. I was reminded that this was the way I use to live, feeling like that most of the time. Days after that encounter I received phone calls from my son that he needs money etc. He told me that he was so disgusted after our conversation about my impending holiday, he thought me so despicable that he was so upset, he "had to" drink a lot and take the rest of his Etizolam. Now he is feeling ill and fearful for his life because he felt as if he was going to have another seizure due to lack of sufficient alcohol, which he now needs because he took all his etizolam, because he was so upset by me, that I owe it to him to give him money for alcohol....and if I do not, if he dies it will ALL be on my shoulders! I stood my ground, though I felt all the physical affects his behaviour was having on me. However, 4 days of phone calls and txts, I sent him money!

I am sure while on holiday my aunt will want to discuss all my problems. I am sure I will be worried about money and the standard phrase will be, "I don't have money for that". I am sure that my son will try his best to guilt trip me across the miles. I am sure that I will feel the void of not having someone with me to have someone as my equal to talk to, drink with, dance with, laugh with. I am sure I will be worrying about what will await us when we get home. Stress on holiday!

                            

When we arrive home, I will have unpaid bills, I will have to start getting ready for the new school term which means new uniforms, shoes, P.E. kits, dance wear, train passes, ballet fees AND I will also be having a German exchange student coming Sept 28th. I will have the awkwardness of meeting up with my son and probably being put through the same nonsense as before. I will no doubt, being the romantic sentimental fool that I am, be feeling quite sad that there is no one waiting for us, no one expecting us, no one to be with when we come home.

So guess what? I AM TAKING MY DAUGHTERS ON HOLIDAY! Woowhoo! Do you know what? It will create stress, but I do not really give a damn right now. I want to be in the sun, listen to awesome music at an amazing festival! I want to laugh and dance and act stupid with my daughters! I want to see my aunt because you never know when it will be for the last time. I want to eat food that I can only eat in Hungary. I want to escape for a while.




Holidays, like life are far from perfect and comes with their ups and downs, but I am going to forget my troubles the best I can while I am away and have as much fun as I can and I will just deal with all the stress when I come home, as I do all the time anyway for stress is part of my life.

I hope my son will make his probation appointments, his DRR (drug rehabilitation requirement) appointments, his court appointment, while all the time staying alive and safe. He is going to be 20 years old in 6 months, it is time he starts stepping up and learning a bit about taking responsibility for himself. I am not to blame for what happened over the last few years of his life, in fact I do not believe in pointing blame at anyone. It happened and we all had our roles to play, and we should all take an active role in healing, recovery and moving forward.

               


Friday, 1 August 2014

Feeling Low

I am feeling quite sad at the moment, I am not really sure why. I have been thinking too much lately about my life and the feeling of emptiness that I have experienced for much of my 49 years. Maybe emptiness is not the right word, maybe sadness or longing. I am analysing my relationships with my mother, father, past and present friendships, men I love (there are only 2 I fell in love with, though I had many men in my life before I married. Neither of those two men is not my ex husband which is sad in itself, but even sadder is that neither of the 2 men that I loved/love is in the position to have me in their life fully, one was in the past and one is current), my children (there upbringing, their current situations and what their futures hold), my future, my health, my financial situation and my many failures and a few of my successes). All these ponderings leave me with this sensation of emptiness and somehow wanting to fill a void within me and in my life.


                                                        My mother and I before my illness.


I think that maybe some of these feelings stem from the relationship I had with my mother. I adored my mother, so very much. I had a less than typical childhood since I became ill at the age of 7 and spend so much time at home and in the hospital, all the while my mother was by my side, nurturing me, protecting me, loving me, trying to teach me ways to cope with the agony I was going through. At around the age of 10, my symptoms were finally getting under control because of a very high and long term steroid treatment. At last I was able to go back to school, but then a new bag of troubles started, bullying at school because I looked hideous from the steroid treatment, and of course I was isolated even more for having no friends since we had also moved homes around that time. My mother was my rock! She was the only person I could talk to. She helped me get through the hardest periods of my childhood. When I was around 13-14 years old, the bullying was so bad, with threatening phone calls and fears of beatings and threats to end my life that I refused to attend school! My mother's love then became enabling and she allowed me to stay home! So we spent a lot of time together, and even though I completely disagree with the fact that she let me stop going to school, and I never finished high school, I do still so admire her love for me.


                                                    Me during my Prednisolone treatment.


She did try to help me later when I was 16 and enrolled me in driving school so that I could get my license since I was not getting my driver's education, as I would have done if I remained in school. Then she tried to help me find work, she accepted my dream to be a model and paid for modelling school and an expensive portfolio and took me to various assignments and appointments. We even tried to run a small business together, and when all that failed she was very supportive when I signed up to our local community college when I was 18. After nearly 2 years at our local college, my real dreams started to formulate. I loved being a student! I wanted to learn and I wanted to study psychology and eventually be a practising psychologist. My mother helped me as much as she could in the early days of college, since I had virtually no high school education to apply to my classes and assignments. So she studied with me! Finally I did not need that support from her as my confidence grew as I was receiving good grades and I started to immerse myself in academia.

My dreams were such that I would need to attend university. I nervously applied to three and one was the ultimate dream, UCLA! I was overjoyed when I got accepted to all three schools! My mother and I cried tears of joys after remembering what hard times I went through to get to where I was! It was wonderful, my dreams were starting to come through and I would make my future bright as well as giving back  to my mother the love and care she always bestowed upon to me! I was feeling happy. My UCLA days were some of the happiest days in my life and my mother was so very proud!


Then a terrible unforeseen event happened; my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis was by chance during a routine gall bladder surgery. I was the only one in the hospital waiting room when I was told the terrible news. Not only was I told she had cancer but that it was inoperable and she had about 3 months to live! That was the beginning of my dreams, as well as life as I knew it, crumbling down upon me.
I did lose my mother, 6 months later. I took her to her chemo and radiation appointments. I cared for her and nursed her and towards the end gave her more liquid morphine than she was allowed because she was screaming out in pain as well as withdrawals, and having hallucinations as she was wanting more and more and more! She died from a morphine induced coma and I was the only one there by her side, I tried to study during that long restless night as I had final exams the following day. Eventually sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I was next to my beloved mother as she drew her finally big breath of air, as if she was about to go under water, then she was gone.


                                   

                                 
I now realise that ever since then, I have NEVER been anyone's priority. I was my mother's priority much of the time because of my illness and the subsequent problems it created in my life. This priority did cause resentment within my sister, but that was not my mother's intention, for I remember many times when she too was my mother's priority! All I want, all I have ever wanted was to be someone's priority. This I wanted from the men in my life and I have never ever felt that from any man. Now at my age I realise that I will never have such a love in my life and this makes me feel very, very sad indeed. I am not saying I will never be loved, but I will never be anyone's priority because once we have children our priority will always be our children.


                                           
                                   
My children are obviously my priority, but sometimes I think why? Doesn't that sound horrible? But then tonight in my support group I heard 2 different women say basically the same thing. I heard one say that she is starting to feel that she does not want her children to go on holiday with her, she wants to go alone, she does not want her kids...obviously she does not honestly feel she does not want her kids any more, but there are fleeting moments when you feel like, "I just want to be a person without my kids"! Another woman said that sometimes she wished she would get into an accident, just so she could have a break from her kids in the hospital! And we are not talking young children, young children may be physically draining, but older children can sometimes drain your spirit!

Today I saw my son, who has been my priority for 19 years! My ex husband never felt this sense of priority. He continued with his life, his socializing with his friends, going away on his own holidays, weekends away, night's out, overnight stays, laziness at home, not caring for his children etc. It hurt me that my son was so disrespectful to me today and it comes so easily to him to try to blame me, control me, hurt me. I felt so stupid, I wish I had a better word to describe myself, but stupid is the only word that I can use. Stupid because I have made my children my one and only priority for all these years and yet my only son finds it so acceptable to treat me the way he does. He does not treat me this way most of the time any more, but that is probably because he is not living at home and we do not spend that much time together as we did when he was at home. I left feeling all wound up and on edge, with my heart thumping in my chest and feeling agitated and snappy with others.

                                     

I hated being told how everything is wrong in his life and that it is all my fault. I told him that I might go away for a short holiday break, and then he started demanding that he is the one who deserves a break, not me. My life apparently always works out and is better than his, and if I would have listened to him in the first place and did as I was told there would have never been any trouble and he would still be enjoying life doing what he enjoys doing, but I took everything away from him. When I asked him if it was ok for his father and or his grandparents to have breaks and holidays he said yes it is but I can not go away unless I provide a holiday for him as well since I am the one who created so many problems! Lovely, at least I did not have to listen to him calling me a f****** c*** over and over again like I use to when he lived at home!

Then later in the evening, as I mentioned above,  I went to my support group for parents who are "suppose to" have children with drug problems. I say, "suppose to", because, well I am sorry, but living with a son who goes to work, has friends, has some decent hobbies and generally behaves himself, but he likes to smoke a bit of weed from time to time, is not a child with a drug problem. OK, I am feeling quite self obsessed and maybe a bit of self pity is playing on my thoughts today. . Another member who just started our group today is another one who says her son only smokes weed, but he has very abusive behaviour towards her. I feel a lot of these parents who may have badly behaved children, with some underlying issues and they have challenging situations at home, but I do not see smoking a bit of weed as being a drug problem. Cannabis is different than it use to be, I know that, and I am sure that smoking weed on top of underlying issues and aggressive personalities will make life worse rather than easier, but I feel that somehow there should be another group that I should be in! I know my son has many underlying issues, but he was never, up until maybe 3-4 years ago, badly behaved, but he has a major drug problem with several very dangerous drugs. But I walked away from group tonight feeling like an alien, I did not feel I belonged in the group and in fact tonight I had very little to contribute and felt an unnecessary member. I also left the group being reminded about this "priority" dilemma I am feeling. Out of the 8 people in attendance, I felt again, this self pitying feeling of, "I have no one really by my side who I can lean on when I need to. No one who is in my life who is part of it. You know, I am talking partner, parents, siblings, that many people do seem to have to talk to and get comfort from. I came home feeling that I was very alone and I am not sure why exactly as half of the people are single parents and a few are going through some really tough times.

                                    

So today I was made to feel quite unnerved by my son. I was reminded of what my life was like on a daily basis and I do not know how I coped for so long like that. I was also told by my son, who was feeling suitably "relaxed" (his way if describing being on something) on Etizolam, that it would be far better for him physically, emotionally, financially to be on his etizolam regularly and that the money he would save on not buying as much alcohol would be a great way to start saving money and that he generally feels so much better this way and he does not understand why I am so resistant to accept this. He also explained that he had a chat with one of his workers at the drug rehabilitation appointments that he does not intend to give up all drugs and what would happened if after his requirement is met ,he was found out to be taking legal highs or benzos he purchased on line. Well good news for my son is that they said nothing would happen, under the eyes of the law it would be an improvement from what he was doing when he got arrested, and that they are not illegal!

So my precious boy who I loved and adored and brought up so very well can sit eating the doughnuts and tea I bought him, while he was talking to me in an emotionally abusive tone and tells me he has no intention of giving up on his drugs. I am so tired of telling him that this is his opportunity to start moving forward because one day he will realise the life he is living now, is not what he wants to be doing. He does not want to change his life, but I do not want to watch and wait until he does; however, I do not want to have him out of my life, I love him too much!

Sorry, I am having a shit day. I am feeling alone and like things will never change, though I know they have changed in subtle ways already, it is sometimes easy to lose your focus. Maybe I am getting impatient and greedy. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy and thriving in a healthy lifestyle. I want someone to love me and be there for me without any restrictions. I want to be free to express myself without fear of being judged or losing those I love. I want to be free from financial worries to do things that make me feel happy. I have waiting so very long for these things and I am getting tired of waiting.

                                             

I am very low in mood and I do not like writing such posts that come across as "woe is me" but sometimes we all feel like this and it does help to get it out and since I can not sit down and talk to someone whenever I need to, I sit down and talk to people through my computer and hope that someone who will read this will "get me" and also the sheer fact that I have somehow purged these thoughts and formulated them into words in my blog helps me work through my complex emotions.

Tomorrow is another day as they say,  and we can only hope that tomorrow will be better, when we are feeling less than happy today!